In this time of economic turmoil and political strife, what America needs is a president that is strong willed, resolute in his convictions, and can get things accomplished when it counts. And that man is Ganondorf Dragmire, The King of Thieves.
Now just hear me out.
As the only male Gerudo born in 1000 years, Ganondorf was literally born to lead his people. And contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t bloodlust or powerhunger that drove him to seek out the Triforce. Ganondorf wanted a better environment for his people, who were unjustly banished to the desert by the close minded right-wing elitist Hyrulean government.
Ganondorf has proven himself again and again to have all the qualities America needs in a president today.
Creates Jobs and Stimulates The Economy
It’s bad enough finding work as a human in Hyrule, but needless to say there aren’t a lot of employment opportunities for Moblins, Stalfos, or giant one-eyed spider-monster-things, but Ganondorf manages to keep them all gainfully employed by creating dungeons for them to defend and maintain. And the benefits! These creatures respawn the second you leave the room, their health care must be phenomenal.
And talk about a booming economy. What better to drive commerce than full scale warfare. Just ask Roosevelt, wt got us out of The (First) Great Depression, didn’t it? Sure, things were a little more.. adventurous than usual, but business was booming! I can’t imagine anyone dropping a bag of rupees for 50 bombs and a quiver of arrows in times of peace.
Money was so abundant in Hyrule that it was literally falling out of bushes and trees. Every house had a least one clay pot with spare cash in it and if it went missing, no one even cared!
Ganondorf: Good For The economy. Good For America.
Keeps His Promises
“Someday…When this seal is broken….That is when I will exterminate your descendants!!” – Ganon, Ocarina of Time
The Zelda timeline has gotten pretty convoluted lately and trying to explain the connections between the games is like trying to explain the plot of Lost to Leonard Shelby from Momemto. But the one thing that has remained constant is Ganondorf. Even in games where he isn’t the antagonist, his presence is felt. And nine times out of ten, it turns out he really WAS the antagonist behind the antagonist to begin with.
Politicians are notorious for broken promises, so why not choose a candidate who has proven that he keeps his word time and time again. Don’t just take my word for it, ask Link. Or Link. Or Link. …Or Link.
Ganondorf: A Man Of His Word. A Man You Can Trust.
He Gets Things Done
And isn’t that what you really want in a benevolent ruler. After obtaining the Triforce of Power, Ganondorf conquered all of Hyrule in under seven years. When banished to the sacred realm, he turned the Golden Land into a Dark World. At one point, his rule over Hyrule was so unstoppable that the entire planet had to be flooded just to end his reign.
If elected President of these United States of America, Ganondorf would bring that same intiative and effectiveness into office and transform this country into a powerful, if slightly Re-Dead infested, nation once more.
Ganondorf: Your World Is His.
Not the conservative media would have you believe that Ganondorf is a power mad genocidal sociopath bent on kidnapping Princess and fighting children to the death, but that’s just how they spin it. The truth is, Ganondorf is a man who is so strict on policies that matter, like education and weapon control. Children should be in schools, not running around the woods shooting chickens with slingshots. His approach to these matters may be hands on, but that’s the kind of attitude that makes a statement.
King. Magician. Warrior. Musician. Ganondorf is truly a Renaissance Man worthy he becoming your next President.
Nayru, Din, and Farore Bless America
—JD